It hurts before it heals

It hurts before it heals

Just remember

It hurts before it heals

It has to

 

Everytime I see a new queer series or movie 

Two guys in love

Struggling or thriving

Having sex or fighting

Longing or living

I feel both seen and destroyed

 

It hurts before it heals

It hurts before it heals

Just remember

It hurts before it heals

It has to

 

Everytime something reminds me

Of the closeted years

The lack of touch

Yearning for people 

that never knew my yearning

The dreaming

Hiding

Praying the gay away

The roles I've played

To disguise what others said was wrong with me

To drown the shame

The drinks and drugs

To numb the pain

 

It hurts before it heals

It hurts before it heals

Just remember

It hurts before it heals

It has to

 

Everytime I see someone who resembles

The person left behind

Desired to become

Felt I was

Yearning for

I feel seen and destroyed

I feel hope and as if it’s too late

Simultaneously

As if it’s competing 

To make or brake

Like a heated rivalry

 

Is the hope for me 

or for others?

Is there a too late 

and for who?

Of becoming oneself

A too late to love?

Can a heart lose its ability

When a muscle doesn't get trained?

When stop wishing and hoping 

When stop yearning 

for someone else 

To do for us

What we couldn't

For ourselves

 

And is that why

It hurts before it heals

When we're this far out

On too thin ice 

Because it's the gym of the heart?

That needs to be exercised

To not wither

And in cases of absence

In periods of withdraw

The sudden sight or act of touch and warmth

That reminds us of how we once were and felt

What we once urged and needed

We yearned for

 

There's a violent resuscitation process

There's pain before pleasant

A thump to the chest

A twist in the gut

An outing of the survival self

Death of denial

A blow to the ego

A fearful awakening 

of all inside 

That aches before it can get better

 

It hurts before it heals

It hurts before it heals

Just remember

It hurts before it heals

It has to