I wish i could go back to 9th grade

I wish i knew then what i know now

I wish i could walk past my bullies again

And i wish i had the guts to carry knives

 

I’d cut their bellies, mouths and faces

I’d slit their throats and eyes

Every one who repetedly called me faggot

Pushed me around or threatened me

 

I wish i could be as daring and stylish as i am today

Walk away from scenes, down stairs of stone dripping in blood

Carelessly passing devastated screams of other students 

 

I wish i could walk down the corridors of benches and lockers

Breathing hormones, armpits and perfume hiding teenage anxiety 

Red footprints, non binary vibes and a bold choice of makeup for someone who looks like a boy

I wish the guys that wanna get with my girlfriends would look at me for a fraction of time

I dont care if they’d hate me or wanna fuck me

A fraction of what i spent imagining and hoping they'd make love to me or force themselves upon me to the ground with their body weight 

or just grab me with any intention

Take time to see me, the real me

 

Sometimes i see them now

like 20 years after, and they look tired

For a moment i still want to fuck them 

Or more honestly i want them to keep fucking me

Like they’ve been doing for over 20 years 

I wished it so hard back then 

I wished myself hard back then

 

I still wish i could go back and be gangster enough to get guns

So i could arrange a school shooting

Machine gun them all to the ground 

 

What would that had made me?

Imprisoned til now maybe?

Would i have had a guaranteed roof over my head and food to eat?

Would i have not been this lonely?

Would i have had at least one person paid for checking on me daily?

Would i have gone less crazy killing them all and doing my time?

Than trying to survive nicely without revenge 

 

I needed them, to study, to learn how to be

trying to figure out how to feel

How do normal people act?

 

I wish I knew then what i know now

So I could go back to school

With the same confidence that life taught me 

Of who I am and how that's no longer anything anyone can change

How that's no longer anything i'm willing to hide

 

I wish Id walk down those corridors, pass those benches

down cold steps of stone in the high ceiling echoing hall that leads out to the front yard 

where all the classroom windows are facing

And just be unapologetically me

 

Ok I wouldn't have to shoot or slit or kill you for real 

Maybe I’ll keep that part in my head

Maybe I won't have to imagine it all 

To be honest, all these years, it's not you I stayed mad at 

You didn't hurt me more than I was hurting myself

How I blamed you

How I blamed me 

 

I wish I could just walk past you as myself

And show you I don't care

Show you I care

And how it's not going to change me 

I wish I would have been the one on my side

I wish I would have at least believed in me

 

I wish I could place a sense of freedom in his palms

I wish I could just for a second relieve the worry in his tense gut

The biting of the lip, the taste of his own blood

I wish I could assure him that his family will survive

They won’t always need you as much as they do now 

Soon you won’t need them as much as you do now

And I wish I could let him know his worth beyond what everyone told him

I wish I could keep him safe, just for a moment

So he would know how that felt and could carry it with him

I wish I felt loved

So I had something to warm me

 

If I knew then what I know now

That the struggles continue shape shifting

and in moments when it settles

Im left exhausted and torn

Still no safety net to fall back upon as I get older

Would i have been able to stay alive?

 

If only I could believe now

What saved me back then

With the taste of my own blood

‘’There has to be something better’’