I discovered 

A small cottage in the forest

That someone had left

In a hurry

 

Windows wide open

Doors slamming

Wind howling 

Bringing sticks and leaves

Rain in the hall

 

I didn't realise at first

that was also how i felt

Unattended, abandoned, unhoused

 

It had been messy, dark and stormy

I had acted like an unwilling child

An emotionally anxious teenager

Like when no one else was home

Like when no one would listen

Uncared for

 

I left stuff all around

From room to room

Like a trail, for someone to find

I searched social media

For anyone to show me worth

I jerked off to porn to feel less lonely

I drank to feel, or not feel, to live or not live 

And i lingered on the border of shame and regret

Looking for you everywhere  

 

I fell in love with myself last night

For the first time in a while

I returned to that place

I stood on the porch

Lies began to unravel

 

I was the mess

I was the dark 

I was the search

And I was the storm

 

I was also that little cottage in the forest

The windows, the doors, the roof and the walls

 

As i picked up the shatters of porcelain

As i mopped up the wet on the floor

As i folded away the piles of clothes i’d just stepped out of 

For the first time in a long time

I cared and felt cared for

 

As morning came

I dropped my cloth and sponge and my spray

Like lightning struck everything shook

The cottage started telling another story

The one that made it impossible to stay 

 

I invited you

I brought you here

And cared for you

On this bed, on this couch, in this kitchen

I found you happy through these windows

In the shower i washed our nights away 

 

Repeatedly i watched you leave

Never knowing if you'd return

 

Was it just a roof, a bed, a couch, some walls 

Was I just a pulse, a distraction, an echo of something else

Did you just need a vacation from yourself

 

I fell in love with myself last night

I guess I spent too much time

Trying to figure out

Now there’s no one else around

 

I can’t remember feeling safe and comfortable

I can’t remember feeling I was enough 

When I am alone

 

Even if home was that abandoned cottage in the forest

Even if the path there was dark and unwalked

Even if everything was going to remind me of you

And how we both left

Nothing else mattered

I had to return

 

I fell in love with myself last night